A Year's Time

[nathanielbuildsatesseract]

A year ago today, I graduated from university.

It doesn't feel real. The last year has been a large zero on the account sheet of my life. So far, nothing I've done has really seemed like it will provide real, lasting value. Maybe some of the things I have going on will pay off, I don't know. As I've said, I'm having fun day to day, but a circle is not the proper shape for man.

Is a line, though? I spent six year pursuing a goal I'd been planning for four years before that—it's been eleven years since I decided to become an aerospace engineer, crikey—and yet, I don't feel like I've made it. I haven't of course, but that's not the point. I never felt like I got closure. How could I? Graduation weekend was spent babysitting my sexagenarian parents, grown-ass adults who couldn't follow the simplest of directions. I barely got to speak with my classmates, let alone any of my professors. Moments I've been anticipating for months never materialized because Mom couldn't be arsed to plan around the fact she can't walk any real distance. We had a transport chair, I asked if she need to bring it, she lied and said no. What should have been my day of reward and celebration, instead made entirely about their needs and desires. There's been more than a few birthdays like that, come to think of it.

But it's not just that. It's just...a whole way of interacting with the world. I keep thinking that I'll have a break of some sort coming up, I can sort things out then, anything too time-consuming ought to be put off and—no. There's no breaks in real life. I only had one summer off all through college, but I had winter breaks and the gaps between summer term and normal semesters. I don't deal with issues in a timely manner because there was always something all-consuming that had to be sated instead. Multifarious interminable projects and things otherwise outside my control have made me more passive than a person really ought to be.

I'm not independent and I don't know how to improve without that critical step. I'll talk about the economic situation later, if I feel like it. The point is, I haven't really internalized the fact that I'm not in school, I'm not getting ready for anything. I should be structuring the progression of my days to benefit me more directly than they have so far.

There's no conclusion here, I'm afraid. For that, I would have to know how the story ends.